Peminangan (Proposal of Marriage)

Peminangan (proposal of marriage)is a process of marriage ceremony that done before getting married. It regulated on Compilation of Islamic Law in Indonesia (KHI) article 11, 12, and 13. Peminangan is made by a man or his representative.

A man can propose a girl or widow after her iddah is finish. Iddah is waiting-time for a widow.There are certain women that prohibited by a man. They are:
1. A woman who fallen talaq (divorce) by her husband, and still in iddah raj’iah.
2. A woman who has proposed by a man else and the proposal has not broken yet or the proposal has not rejected yet.

In many parts of Indonesia, enforcement of Islamic marriage is united in the Adat ceremony, included peminangan/lamaran (proposal of marriage). For example in Java. The proposal is made by the parents of boy to the parents of girl. It is usually made as a request by the one family to become the in-laws of other. Usually, it always conveyed by a representative, someone very close to the boy’s family. Today because of practicability, it is often done by the parents themselves.

The proposal has not resulted in legal consequence yet. The proposal can broken by a boy for there is a statement about broken of the proposal or on the quiet the boy keeps away from and leaves the girl.
Boy and girl have the same right. Even has been request/conection, a boy’s side or a girl’s side are free to break proposal conection. Freedom to break proposal conection is done with good ways according to religious values and custom. It is important in order to keep peace between one and the other, and to keep honor each other.

Usually before make a proposal, the parents of boy had investigated about the girl and her family, also about probability the proposal accepted. On the contrary, before accept the proposal, parents of the girl has also investigated the boy and his family. It accordings to Java idiom bibit bobot bebet, that the parents will see descended, capability and dignity before take someone become their child-in-laws. In Islam there is Sunnah Rasul that someone is married for beauty, wealth, dignity and religious.

After the proposal accepted, the result is not directly a marriage. There is a priod of engagement. The engagement is based on an agreement between the families of the future bride and groom. Thus, there are rights and duties between the couple and their families. Engagement is started by giving a special gift (money or goods) from the boy’s side to the girl’s side. In most regional language, the word for engagement gift is panjer or panganchang or pengikat (binder), and it is taken from verb mengikat (to bind). The mean, there is connection between 2 families.

Today, there is an exchange of rings by the couple themselves, and the engagement begins from the moment of exchange. Thus, the formal binding of the families has to some extent been indicated by the binding of the couple. The program of giving binder and exchange of the rings are attended by the families and certain neighbours, and then are followed by a communal feast (slametan/syukuran/tasyakuran). The slametan is given by the girl’s parents.